I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I FOUND THE LEGS
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
