So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
