I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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