Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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