pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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