there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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