I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
