you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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