Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
