thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
