i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
