dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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