Im at strip club and am horny
I wish I could punch you in the face.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
