I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
