Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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