i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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