It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
