I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
