So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
My life is pants optional.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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