if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
