My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
