how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
