omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
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