I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
