I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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