I will die if light touches me.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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