I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
