he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Still dying that you shit outside
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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