Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
