I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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