I showed him my bush... on skype.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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