3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
