i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
