just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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