ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
