No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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