I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
