I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
