Will you blow on my dice?
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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