i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
