drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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