And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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