i will never coherently bang her
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
