you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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