Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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