I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
