allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
