we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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