I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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