awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Randomize
