I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
