The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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